I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You have been warned.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.