Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.