I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Admin smashed it 😂
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I love you…
…r dog.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?