@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

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@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@MorticiaKate

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

@JennyJohnsonHi5

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

@anerdonfire2

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

@LlamaInaTux

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ??? ???????