I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.


*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*


My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*


Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children


How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?


I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.


Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ??? ???????