i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.