i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Already got one
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*