i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Morning my dudes.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.