Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Thank heavens for community notes

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

Reminder:

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH