Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

who did the taste test?

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day