I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
i spent way too long on this
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T