Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed