Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.