i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?