i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”