I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
shakira sharkira
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
The struggle is real
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?