I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Ion see the issue
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.