I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
こいつ天才
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.