Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.