I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.