Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.