“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy