Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

United Steaks of America

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

happy halloween

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.