Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

rest in peas

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro