Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.