Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

LOL

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

new shirt idea

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]