Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?