Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

This was my dad’s browser history.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Is fructose made with real fruct?

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.