I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
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You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”