I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
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No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
bat life
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.