I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
no exceptions
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.