Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Good morning

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.