-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.