Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*