-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone