-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
rebranding
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
