I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You Might Also Like
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The Struggle
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.