Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

This is the best one I’ve seen

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

This is true.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work