@FlyoverJoel

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

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@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

@Home_Halfway

[Park]
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid

@TweetPotato314

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@TheToddWilliams

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

@daemonic3

2nd WOMAN ON EARTH: I’m thinking of getting my belly button pierced

EVE: your what?

@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

@QuietPsycho

Absinthe

For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation

@AnniemuMary

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?