Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
2nd WOMAN ON EARTH: I’m thinking of getting my belly button pierced
EVE: your what?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?