I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…


PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid


imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down


To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.


MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods


2nd WOMAN ON EARTH: I’m thinking of getting my belly button pierced

EVE: your what?


Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste



For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation


Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?