I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Hoping to spice up my evening
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?