Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog