I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
You Might Also Like
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
i smell a pulitzer
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.