I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
True statement👍😏😁
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.