I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?