Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

the best thing i’ve ever made

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

I need to get some bricks…

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud