I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
How dude HOW?!
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
