I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
hmmmmmm
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
