I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I think about this a lot
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]