I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
wut hotdog?
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Facebook memories be like
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.