I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Breaking news:
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.