Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.