Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

The symmetry is uncanny.

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft