I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
We will use anything but the metric system
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.