I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Extremely relatable.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰