I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Oh hi lol
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties