“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me :
All Day At Night
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The Compass
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Just so funny
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?