Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛