I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.