I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart