I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You Might Also Like
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
🤣😂🤣
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
