I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.