I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
You Might Also Like
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
the battle rages on
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
🙂🙃🥹
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Dumple
