Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel