Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

50 shades of grey = my Liver

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

The opposite of Iceland is water water

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.