I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
just having fun
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.