I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.