I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you