I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
