I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
thinking about this
![]()
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
when someone rings the doorbell
![]()
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
![]()
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.