I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
