I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
