I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
How can I say no to this ?
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Blew out my flip flop…
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?