I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…