@PinkCamoTO

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

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@batkaren

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

@tchrquotes

If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome

@Underchilde

My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@bingowings14

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

@emmkaff

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.

@PerfectPending

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

@GinAndJif

If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.