Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
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If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.