I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter